Saturday, July 10, 2010

PRIYADARSHINI


"there are,on the average,about 20 traffic accidents in kolkata every month"










"Ei Karunamoyee..karrrunamoyee...kolyamoyee...seat khali..assun assun.." --
the conductor did not scream his advert,and that was what woke me up with a jolt. I was minutes into a Garia-karunamoyee -- apparently conductors in the route are too gentle to shout ( they are usually gentle except when it comes to granting student's concession)--and this conspicuous absence disallowed my drifting into slumber.

I know this beautiful lady who resides in Gariahat. Calling her on includes listening to the sales pitch of every hawker,the hustle of a streetfight over a wrongly placed paan spit,and the misfit Beethoven playing between traffic announcements. It appears as if the whole old city,with all her cosmopolitan vibration is breaking through us,thus inevitably(and perhaps unwittingly) providing a noisy disquiet of privacy. Try taking your beloved to an afternoon in the Indian Coffee House for first hand demo.
Coming back,this friend of mine says she cannot sleep in quieter places because of the conspicuous absence of the din that resides in her subconscious ,thus playing a part in all routine,pre-meditated responses. Thus was I jolted back from a siesta that never was.


The clouds had sewn darker as they boarded,while a breeze brought a soothing old melody from afar.
"Oi seat tai boshun" [Sit there]
--the conductor pointed to a forlorn single seat.

The man was dark and reeked of family life. As is so often the case with such men,he had on an unstarched khadi that bore bites of bidi, and proudly wore his travails,struggles and sacrifice in a faint smirk. One never notices their trousers. He was a father,bringing his daughter from school.


The daughter was a playful young flower,probably in the early embrace of puberty. She was not fair but there was a glow,of innocence or of promise. She wore the essentials of her generation-- a heavy schoolbag and grim spectacles,over her blue striped uniform. You noticed her uniform because the suffused light beneath the dark veil of cloud whispered to you to take note. While the pallid weather waited in anticipation, the father took her schoolbag on the one free hand. He was bringing her home.


I was once hopelessly with a girl (she's blossomed to a beautiful lass now) back in class 5.She ,shockingly, liked a sophomore moustachioed Guy. I understand now,it was conniving Mother nature at that age,that charmed her to look for an object of hero-worship,a MAN of freedom and a past (of achievements and disrepute).Our girl evidently hero-worshipped her father.

"kota baaje re maa?" [What's the time, maa] [Its comon among Bengali fathers to call their daughters, maa]




"Baba,12ta.."  [baba, it's 12]


"Tor 12ta baaje ni toh?!"--(chuckle) [old, silly joke]



The kid looked around with a little unease,and then broke into convulsive giggles.By then She was sitting on his lap because there weren't any vacant seats,because he had asked her to :

"Maa amar kole-e bosh" [Maa, sit on my lap]


She sat happily,but she had shot a furtive glance at her bright surroundings. She seemed vulnerable,but she was secure with her father around,she smiled brightly.

"Patuli,2to" [2 tickets for Patuli]

--she paid from her purse while Father looked away with a solemn contentment--kids love their first taste of authority!

A heavy woman,her dark belly visible from beneath her pastel brown saree
 presently obscured my view. I could still hear her chirping,interjected by Father's dim,affectionate mumbling. A toddler behind them asked his mom:

"Maa,shibthakur ki khub raagi?" [Maa, is shiva a very angry god?]

And without vision or hearing I could feel She dissolving into peels of laughter and feel father gently patting her back. Just as in foolish first love the familiar road,hazy smoke with its lonely beggar screaming hunger,its fearful mongrel and screeching auto,suddenly appears new and wonderful,so did a sudden memory appeared to clog over my thinking.

There was a stout tree rooted in my childhood that bore white flowers every day.I remember once sitting intently beside,missing an entire scorching day of Cricket,fights and blessed corporation tube-wells,to actually see a flower bloom. The flower  never allowed me,but I remember a vine that crept on growing,like a knot,around that tree.And then I saw her again,sitting on his lap chin up,melting into tides of mirth and occasionally looking at the people around with slight hesitance. Why was that for? Approval?Pity?But why so,when she looked so proud,both of them and the moment?





"kaku ekhane rakhben"  [Uncle please halt here]

--she muttered while the conductor ensured that the bus came to a safe complete halt. The Sun reappeared again crushing hopes,of rain in particular. Father stood up,bag in his shoulder and her fingers clasping to the free hand. She winced once at the sun that was about to blind the world with merciless clarity. He stepped down the stair first,daughter followed coyly,leaning on her father,smiling sweetly all the time--it was impossible not to notice the admiration in her eyes. SHE WAS BEING TAKEN HOME.

His stick made a metallic clang on the road,he adjusted his dark glasses once. The plump benign woman now sat at the solitary handicap's seat ( it spelt 'handicaft',perhaps evolving from handicraft,a crude irony really if one considers each mortal as GOD's handicraft). The man from the dark walked content beside the wise school girl. Father had brought back the little girl home through the perilous traffic.

Monday, April 26, 2010

CASTLE IN THE AIR


It's been a long time since I've written anything.I've always maintained that writing for me has always been like child-birth,there is a proper time and place to conceive the idea, followed by a perilous labour during which one is acquainted to the queer joy of feeling the presence of another individual with a mind of her own,in oneself. Over the past half year,I've been searching the answer to a peculiar yearning within me in numerous futile sessions of vodka and marijuana. Futile they really are,further,they accentuated the feeling of this overflowing,stuffed emptiness within--empty of expressions and filled with this eerie presence of something,sorry someone,a woman,(all works of beauty is feminine,in fact beauty is feminine),within me.


Omniscient TIME,my great worship TIME had chosen a queer venue for the birth of HIS latest muse--it was our last mid sem exam and she had to see the light of the day then.( I am slightly sorry HKC sir ).


I must quell any salivating gossip monger here. The term 'Pratyusha' referred to shortly has no connection to any earthly mortal namesake--the term is an idea that has germed in me since eternity,an idea I experience in blessed rare moments of meditation,an idea that eludes me in my desperate attempts to emulate a 'vision' with alcohol or marijuana induced hallucination.



You are a big time loser if you've ventured thiis far into this gibberish,but if you have by any chance dear reader,just make note,anything that you might read below,good or bad,whether it elevates your hidden spirituality or opens up the beast in you,everything below is dedicated to GAURAB BHAI MUKHERJEE.
*
*
*
*
CASTLE IN THE AIR
Moments,like waves they hit
'cross the blue expanse of pain
The Castle I'd built
Dreaming through 4 minutes in IEM.
*
*
The Castle had bore the brunt too
Ere moments bequeathed events
Through surges of War,hatred and Love,new
Real or not,all linked by desire currents.
*
*
Pain is its lonely neighbour
A friendly neighbour too
Screening wandering ships of wonder
Checking in a select few.
*
The ones that Joy cannot pollute,
The ones purer than sorrow
Sparkling,like Pratyusha's eyes
Brighter than any precious gem ,
The searing pain that poets salute
And the World will,tomorrow
The castle's stinking scar the critics eye
The scar moans,but proudly,IEM.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

A FRIEND AND THE CLOCK THAT STOPPED TICKING...

Since I started to remember,I remember having a fascination for the CLOCK.Not the abstract fascination like fidelity,love,selflessness that I fiddle with; real,tangible fascination that comes from the gut,like a teenager’s craving for sex,like a love-lorn’s craving for a glimpse of Isha/Beauty,like the crude attack to the senses by Sandipan/Ayn Rand-such has been my fascination with the clock. I don’t know which precedes what,but I’m sure our fetish for ‘round figures’ and all that is “5”,must have a correlation with our ancient clock,the clock being the father for me. Its not so much the 5(or the 10),the fascination lies in the omnipotence of the clock. Time for me is an ubiquitous,all-pervading,all-conquering entity walking with HIS nose held high for ages,making ages,breaking ages but being non-chalant,like Camus’ Mearsault,like Dostoyeveskey’s Roshkolnikov.Being the cause and bearing the effect,yet holding mute witness,like the ancient Ganges,like our ancient Rishis. And the clock succeeds in containing Time,in restraining Time.


I cursed with extreme loathing as the clock always,invariably always sped faster from 9:30-10 on my schoolday mornings,conniving with our schoolbus;and felt nothing but disdain when it conspired with Maa and went as slow as it could just before the playful,cricket mornings of Summer vacations. Good heaven’s, the Sun at 38 degrees was just another fielder those days and heat waves-a vague term observed somewhere outside the Sports page that could be left aside for an improbable future recollection! The clock ran so fast then.


And apart from conspiring,it kept time, time that would always advance ruthlessly,never retreating,never looking back on past mistakes,never stealing a moment to make love or make hate. I remember having spent breathless minutes trying not to drop an eyelid,only to witness that divine moment when the elderly minute hand actually moved. I won’t say I did’nt try,but I could never catch the snobby little hour hand moving. Snobby little stick!


Time was omnipotent,but the clock gave me confidence that it could be tappped,that atleast we could actually,though helplessly,witness it DOING things to us and our surroundings. Thus emboldened,I wasted a precious day’s worth of Cricket and stood guard beside the open drain beneath a JABA( Hibiscus sounds ‘tash’ even for the language I dream in!) in our Para, just to watch when the little bud grew to a full bloomed flower. Though I stood a diligent guard,Time and the bud escaped me,and however much I might still blame Maa for calling me for lunch,me and Time both know,it did’nt bloom on lunchtime!


The clock kept time,and when it stopped ticking it bottled that bit of time within itself,locked forever in safety. DEATH for me is an excreta of time,that which time has left long back in its onward march. The open drains of my Para,my Para itself,my childhood all are long dead,but there is a clock that stopped ticking. That clock defied Time’s atrocious march and locked to safety my days of innocence,of newness and of SUBHO. Those were the only days when I lived in each moment,and if PRESENT be defined as the moment one lives in,my present lies in the present of the past,and my past relegated to the forgotten realms of memory. ( MY FUTURE HAS ALWAYS BEEN UNCERTAIN,AND NOW U KNOW THAT ITS NOT WITHOUT REASON :( )



My earliest memory of Subho is an open drain,and the two of us urinating,with the young morning smelling every bit of the fresh summer vacation. We were literally next door neighbours,with our homes being close enough to gossip about the latest goings on in the Para that was the World,even after the housewives were long asleep. Our home (and it was never a mere house) had a ‘ROAK’ (it was so high then,now it appears so low :( ) where we would discuss ‘state secrets’ , the most tantalising of which was the 1Rupee. A rupee was precious then,and would yield, among others,a ‘Shaal patta’ full of ambrosial achaar. The two of us buggers would occassionally ( must confess,the occasion arose quite frequently :) ) steal a coin and savour heaven,hiding in the rubble of an under-construction building. Subho was my first partner –in-crime.


During the gray exam evenings we were not allowed to call out each other and we had worked out an ingenious code to counter that. All one needed to call the other was to squeal like a KOEL!
(I held pride for this code before maa recently told me that she had worked it out since its inception :( )

Those days,there were three major ‘mobs’(as we believed) ,and the riavalry was electric. ‘Match newa’ meant playing for your pride and if by Devil’s curse anyone failed,heated rounds of allegations awaited him. Poaching and plotting for key players was so much in vogue. Our days now make such an issue of ‘TRUST’. I never consulted the dictionary for the word, the word simply means Subho for me,it meant so even before I knew the word,it’ll always mean so. Trust means Maa will never know why the odd coin went missing,trust means there will always be 1 who’ll fight when I went for 5 sixes,trust means Subho…



Friendship these days evoke images of weariness for me. Friendship almost always has cigarettes or expletives as its constant concomitants. There is such an awkward silence when the cigarettes,the gaalis,the porn and the gossip is over. I’m thankful we did’nt know “FRIENDSHIP” when we were friends. On rainy days when there would be no Cricket, on vacation afternoons when there would be no Salman, when there would’nt be so many other things ,there would be the two of us. Even the silence,of fatigue,or of plain nothing-ness would be shared with such glee. Thank God we were not ‘Friends’ ,the way I’ve been friends with everyone else since.
The clock that has long stopped went a little faster for sometime.I mastered the selfishness that was screamed unto me by the text-books,the parents and what not,while Subho plain vanished like Frodo’s uncle,never to return again in its lifetime.(He did visit us though,in that bastard timezone of class 12-a mix of past studies,an absent present and a future dangling alongside a carrot,perhaps the present went to fetch the stick)



We never kept things from each other. A great feeling it is to have a confidant when one does’nt really have anything to confide. So I knew of the ‘chits’ that would be hidden in his socks,knew of his disappointment when not even the chits came ‘common’,forget the questions,and I’ll confess,this cheating business invariably drew a chill down my spine. How I wish I were naïve forever..


He knew of my translucent,blurred and muted feelings for Bhaswati Aunty,knew of Isha my “True Love”(!!..Hindi movies should be cursed…there is nothing as sachcha pyaar Mr. Yash Chopra) ,knew that I had secretly read Arabian Nights,and all that was worth knowing. But then he knew something that he never shared,and I’m so thankful to him for that. He knew of Birds and Bees(and their progenies) and on the day of his enlightment ,came running.But I could never coax him to divulge,the reason my sweet days of naivete was extended,the reason I had a gradual transition to manhood,and the reason I discovered the beauty and magic of the Human body with all my heart and brain(well,whatever little I have of it)



Do I want Subho back?Do I want to meet him?...No. The stopped clock gives time two times a day,and that is the time I venture discreetly to the glorious days of ‘Hide-n-Seek’,the time I rid myself of all cares of my idle mind and feel back the restless happiness of a round of “Pittoo” or “Lock and key”. To bring Subho back would be to reset the clock to motion. To bring him back would be to give in to TIME,and once again stare helplessly as HE moulds my wishes without the ME-tool.


I would never acknowledge,even at the cost of time,that my Para,My Home,and a good part of what I stood for,what I am,and what I wanted to be,is dead-left forever to rot in the excreta of time. Let the defunct clock be my Pyramid,and Subho,my Mummy.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

LOVE... ACTUALLY/TECHNICALLY




THIS 'PASSIONATE' AND 'TECHNICAL(?)' love letter has been composed by my dear friend SOUVIK BHATTARCHARYA and addressed to someone who is the sole hope of us backbenchers during the Great Battle of Semester.And she unfailingly succeeds in making us pass reluctantly,semester after semester. This letter finds space here because:



  1. It has been composed really well (and I dare say this site hosts some reasonably well written articles!).


  2. I have personally always wanted to thank this person for a long time,and souvik did that with heart


  3. Finally,I'm a slave to passion and the passion that I like reflects in Souvik's writing.







GET /love/heart_response.view HTTP/2.0


Connection: Keep-Alive

User-Agent: MyHeart/4.5 [en] (x11; U, MyOS 5.8 me4u)
Host: MyHeart:8080
Accept-Encoding: Heart-Code
Accept-Language: en
Accept-Charset: iso-8859-1,*,utf-8


Dear “http://www.y12iem.com/***/1040*0602***/heart.exe”,

I know your brain doesn't recognize me. I know I haven’t still found a place in the hidden database of yours. I just want to ask why the comparator in the deepest core of my heart gives a ‘1’ at the sight of you. Why does the Lissajous figure formed in the CRO in me forms a perfect “x2+y2=r2”. Do I say, it’s a perfect romance that drives my heart at such high frequencies?

Is it the ‘0’ phase margin that makes me so feel so complete! The shortest of the wavelengths pouring out of your hidden ‘Yagi-Uda’ source bangs on to my ‘Micro-strip’, driving my demodulator to overdrive. The aliasing circuitry is lying idle, as the receiver can’t receive any other frequency.

All images appear blur as the image processing circuit has been reprogrammed to identify only one image. All image processing circuitry fail to identify any other pixels.

And now, when I try to put myself on sleep mode, the processor denies to do so. It always has a program running, hindering me to rest myself. It’s an infinite loop that flashes our name and image in my inner-eye. I know that I am infected by a virus, a virus that no antivirus can ever heal, nor can quarantine. Not that I am complaining, I know my processor is taking this burden, but I believe when this core will be ‘duo’, it will have a rest of lifetime.

I know, you will be able to decrypt this message. Every single byte I transmit has only our IP in its header, and user only our preset protocol for transmission. Please grant an authorization in your domain. I promise I will create the perfect resonance in the oscillatory circuit of your heart.


Yours ever,

Souvik

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

GULAAL-NOT JUST A COMPELLING WATCH




The other day ,while waiting outside 'HATARI'-a restaurant in South Kolkata , I chanced upon a funny sequence of events. Now , I have always reflected that 'fun',as I have seen the word define itself in experience,has a constant concomitant-someone else's misery. Its astonishing how we bury our sadist indulgence of enjoying at someone else's plight into the convenient subterfuge called "fun' or 'humour'. I don't remember a single good joke/funny situation that came across me so far,that was not at another person's expense,however distant or irrelevent that person might be. This particular sequence ,funny as it is,is no aberration to that dubious (i dare say) convention.


So me and my hunger were busy cursing my fashionably late friends outside HATARI when a Dog,our protagonist entered the scene. There is a specs store with glass doors just beside Hatari. Our hero was shoed off the entrance of the restaurant and he (it had a penis-too pre eminent to ignore.I am a chauvinist I know :) ) ,being innocent of the laws of reflection,discovered a way through the glass door. He ran,and..BANG!...Perplexed but undaunted,he took a few steps back and ran full steam for his entrance,only to get a bigger bang.


The sadist in me (and quite a few others) was in splits (it was funny-ai'nt it?) untill a Good Samaritian/kolkatan spoiled the fun while the Dog was on its 3rd plunge!


GULAAL is a 'fun' film in this respect. Because it pokes fun at itself,and inflicts the inevitable plight to itself only. Gulaal is principally the story of 'DUKI BANA' a Rajput prince in present day Rajasthan. Like I noticed in the dog,the most striking trait of 'Bana's character is his manhood,and its obvious companion-chauvinism. But then Bana is equally trapped in time,vision and intention as my hero-he wants to build the independent nation-state of RAJPUTANA,and gives his all to that effect despite the seemingly unsurmountable obstacles.


The parallels do not end here though-I thought there was this inherent leitmotif of being blurred in vision and journeying far ,only to return to the same point-to escape which the journey was made-latent in almost all the principal characters.


Duki Bana is absolutely convinced of his dream of Rajputana-he craves for it like the lovelorn craves for his love (trust me to know how it feels :) ) and it appears he has loyal supporters-but then there are the university students who are seemingly unaware of such schemes. Is the dream really so promising,is the vision really so convincing?..We never know the opinion en masse-but considering that the neatly woven script answers every dangling question,chances are ,the director did'nt answer the obvious.Is not this akin to my dog (oh i seem to develop an affection for him..) losing sight of the immediate looming impossibility in lure of the rosy possibilities?





Then there is the declared confused character of DILEEP SINGH. He is the typical 'good boy' (if you dont know what I mean,come to my college; my college reeks of good boys) who is slowly and inevitably dragged to the surreal arena of power play.To join or not to join politics,to kill or not to kill the slut that ditched him...his confusion is what takes the story forward.But the one confusion that is subtly dealt in the story is ,to be or not to be like RANSA,his roommate whom he evidently develops a fascination on,after initial tiffs. One cannot but marvel at the deft handling of key plots by Anurag Kashyap-what he says is so clear,but what he leaves unsaid is what completes the jigsaw perfectly.














The film is absolutely original in the bollywood horizon-both in concept and in execution. Sure we had the superbly made HAASIL that dealt with student politics too,but in गुलाल politics provides more of a background to the complex colors of human emotions that hog the canvas. In the language of geeks,politics in Gulaal is like the electromotive force ,which is not a 'Force' by definition,but is the driving force behind all electrical circuits. The sexual tension,the fear.confusion and above all,raw masculinity-all these are almost palpable courtesy an impeccable camerawork. The film is almost Shakespearian in its depiction of power play.Yes,Gulaal is all about POWER-the quest for power,the decay due to power and finally,its about the extent to which one can deign in persuit of that elusive power. There is KIRAN,who lures her way into Dilip's bed and then to his head,only to dump him to die in the hands of goons hired by her brother. Women in Anuraag's films have always been ahead of their depiction in contemporary bollywood,and perhaps of time,but KIRAN ,so obviously modelled on Lady Macbeth,is completely believeable even in her most outrageous actions.





The taut screenplay advances in the form of a folk-play (Jatra),complete with a sutradhaar played by the music composer Piyush Mishra. The keenly composed music,based on Rajasthani folk and kotha tunes carry the story forward. The music scores in its lyrics too,penned delightfully by Piyush Mishra again. Sample this:

"Sajini ko dear bole,
Tharre ko beer bole Mange hai english boli,
Mange hai english choli
mange hai english jaipur, english bikaner
Jaise bisleri ki..
Jaise bisleri ki bottle pike bangaye english man "

Infact the character that is most consistent in the mad order of things is the supposedly slightly crazy PRITHVI BANA,whose scathing wit sees through the futile ambition of his brother.

The high point of the film is definitely its performances,with Kay Kay menon leading the pack.Raj Singh Chaudhury as Dileep Singh does well,but pales in comparison to the superlative performances delivered by the supporting cast.Special mention must be made of Abhimanyu Singh as "RANSA"-this character reveals clearly Anurag's fascination with unadulterated,raw manhood and kudos to Abhimanyu for playing the part to perfection.
The unsung heros of the film are its cameramen and cinematographer Rajeev Ravi. I remember marveling at the camerawork in David Fincher's SE7EN ,where to shoot the dark,depressed look of a crime-riddled city an entirely new concept of camerawork and cinematography was introduced. Though not as grand,But Gulaal has its own novelty with the more poignant scenes being sketched with a tinge of Gulaal-justifying the title. Gulaal,I suppose, stands for the two P's ,power and passion here.

Its really reassuring to find that Bollywood has found the right horse in its journey towards betterment and securing its due esteem in international cinema,the rider being Anurag Kashyap.

Richard Feynmann had once said:
"poets are never meant to be understood"
Anurag also meant same when he made No Smoking! But considering the tremendous outbursts of creativity Anurag's recent movies have shown,such aberrations are bound to occur. Its in this respect that the bollywood buff is reminded of a certain Mr Verma who had once made equally challenging movies like Satya,Company and Rangeela,side by side with pathetic duds like Daud,Mast,Aag... It is not to suggest that Anurag's career will follow the same checquered path as RGV's,its just an apprehension that is too tempting not to mention.

Monday, February 2, 2009

AN OPEN LETTER TO GOURAV

The feeling of having deserted the project,and my best friend Debmalya at his time of need is yet to sink in. But time heals,and even when it does'nt,it presses things beyond the immediate mask that we put on. I have always thought I was a good actor, but Gourav saw through my mask. Perhaps it is like that with the select few who do not have a mask for a face ( Gourav belongs to that exclusive club). Pehaps our hypocrisies are transparent to people like them.
I was upset at being caught grieving,but i cannot thank Gourav more for that. He was willing to be my vent,vent to the absolute filth that I am. Here's my humble effort at thanking him.


---------------------------------

My dear Gourav,


Since we were taught letter-writing (class III perhaps), I have always believed the salutation and closing parts of a letter were merely perfunctory. But the "yours always" at the closure of your mail forced me to think otherwise,for the first and perhaps the only time in my life. After the step that I had taken,the sin that I had committed, and the blows that I had inflicted upon me,I desperately sought a vent. U know Gourav,the word "catharsis" has a Greek origin,and was used extensively in Greek philosophy and drama to depict an action of the protagonist that led to an emotional cleansing through a draining,rigorous experience. The past few weeks were somewhat similar,but with an anti-climax that I could'nt even dream of. But it was your mail that has actually led the catharsis to its denouement,with my tears slowing down my keyboard. I remember you do not like to be thanked formally,but the burden of gratitude is now too heavy on me. Forgive me as I say,"THANKS A LOT GOURAV".

I feared,and still do,that I would not be able to express my predicament and hence explain my action to others.But I am stunned you could comprehend my precise feelings without me speaking a word. Strange really are the ways of the ALMIGHTY; to have made people like you at all, and to have them placed among such nondescript men as me.
I had really worked hard on this. But the good thing about passion is that you don't feel the wear,because you are always WILLING to enhance your passion more. In hindsight I realize that I had slept, in a semi-conscious state ,for all of 12 hours total in a span of 3 days. But the bad thing about passion is it wears you down mentally if things are bad beyond a point. Its a lot like love. I have always been insecure about the things i love most.
You know Gourav,the initial draft of my program was so close to being perfect,yes I dare say perfect. But even after working non-stop for 3 days it remained just that-only close to perfect. It was then that my inner demons began to play havoc. So far I had not given two hoots to health,or money..but it was then that i realised that both were amiss. A sudden sense of futility,dejection grasped me. I have always considered my ego to be my best friend-but now it had been bruised badly by none else than me,and i chose to retreat. It was cowardly,yes,but it was also traitor-ly of me. You know Gourav,I have always had few but close friends,because i have always treated each friendship as a RELATION.And there I was,deserting someone equally passionate,at the time of his crisis. But I thought I was so helpless gourav...my presence could not have meant much. Out of fear i sought refuge in my retreat,trading bravery and love. You might find this an ornate subterfuge,but i really am helpless.
I have sought forgiveness of Malya,and Prahar,and I think I shall be forgiven,but I will never be able to excuse my cowardice fully,even if I achieve what I desire most.
THANKS AGAIN


YOURS INDEBTED,
Debrup

Saturday, November 29, 2008

AN ODE TO MY (L)ONLY WEAKNESS

I chanced upon this poem while my mom was selling my worn out schoolday copies. This is a poem I had composed in an especially boring chemistry class back in class X. I have fond memories of those turbulent days-the late teens were my period of self discovery,both physical and mental. The quest for self discovery persists,but that was the time when i became aware for the first time that I had a genital, that there are desires beyond topping in class X, that I could think,that each individual has different thoughts,that these thoughts,however idiosyncratic,have a common thread...

Now here is a poem that I am not especially proud of now.It shows every sign of my limited vocabulary,and even limited prowess in poetry( not that it is much better now). But I include it here in my blog because i am proud of the fact that i used to THINK,and THINK hard at that point of time. Precocious i might have been,but then great thinkers have always been precocious ,have'nt they?( ofcourse i don't imply anything!!).

AN ODE TO MY (L)ONLY WEAKNESS


Press,press,press and finally it flows
Pleasure rolls down my mind ,body and soul
Eyes close in a moment of satisfaction
And my heart breaks for long hours of depression.

My heart,my tender heart feels oh-so-guilty
He does'nt know from inside that it's reality
The hours then follow,the dreaded hours
Of doing nothing but sitting beside the bedside chair.

" You're Addicted and Shall Be Ruined"-warns the solemn Brain
But my minor me indulges in the pleasure of this suffocating pain.
I love it so, I cannot let it go
For , catering to the world and made to like what they see
These are the moments when I find the 'me' in me.


I would love to compose a poem on the same topic in this stage of my evolution.Turbulent days they were,with me always at the epicentre of the tug-of-war between my spiritual initiations at my weak flesh.The battle still rages,but I have finally outgrown the age of tug-of-war...
But before that I need to attend to that vicious vamp called the sem.And i would really like to get a reaction from any bored soul who might have cared to visit this blog.