The feeling of having deserted the project,and my best friend Debmalya at his time of need is yet to sink in. But time heals,and even when it does'nt,it presses things beyond the immediate mask that we put on. I have always thought I was a good actor, but Gourav saw through my mask. Perhaps it is like that with the select few who do not have a mask for a face ( Gourav belongs to that exclusive club). Pehaps our hypocrisies are transparent to people like them.
I was upset at being caught grieving,but i cannot thank Gourav more for that. He was willing to be my vent,vent to the absolute filth that I am. Here's my humble effort at thanking him.
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My dear Gourav,
Since we were taught letter-writing (class III perhaps), I have always believed the salutation and closing parts of a letter were merely perfunctory. But the "yours always" at the closure of your mail forced me to think otherwise,for the first and perhaps the only time in my life. After the step that I had taken,the sin that I had committed, and the blows that I had inflicted upon me,I desperately sought a vent. U know Gourav,the word "catharsis" has a Greek origin,and was used extensively in Greek philosophy and drama to depict an action of the protagonist that led to an emotional cleansing through a draining,rigorous experience. The past few weeks were somewhat similar,but with an anti-climax that I could'nt even dream of. But it was your mail that has actually led the catharsis to its denouement,with my tears slowing down my keyboard. I remember you do not like to be thanked formally,but the burden of gratitude is now too heavy on me. Forgive me as I say,"THANKS A LOT GOURAV".
I feared,and still do,that I would not be able to express my predicament and hence explain my action to others.But I am stunned you could comprehend my precise feelings without me speaking a word. Strange really are the ways of the ALMIGHTY; to have made people like you at all, and to have them placed among such nondescript men as me.
I had really worked hard on this. But the good thing about passion is that you don't feel the wear,because you are always WILLING to enhance your passion more. In hindsight I realize that I had slept, in a semi-conscious state ,for all of 12 hours total in a span of 3 days. But the bad thing about passion is it wears you down mentally if things are bad beyond a point. Its a lot like love. I have always been insecure about the things i love most.
You know Gourav,the initial draft of my program was so close to being perfect,yes I dare say perfect. But even after working non-stop for 3 days it remained just that-only close to perfect. It was then that my inner demons began to play havoc. So far I had not given two hoots to health,or money..but it was then that i realised that both were amiss. A sudden sense of futility,dejection grasped me. I have always considered my ego to be my best friend-but now it had been bruised badly by none else than me,and i chose to retreat. It was cowardly,yes,but it was also traitor-ly of me. You know Gourav,I have always had few but close friends,because i have always treated each friendship as a RELATION.And there I was,deserting someone equally passionate,at the time of his crisis. But I thought I was so helpless gourav...my presence could not have meant much. Out of fear i sought refuge in my retreat,trading bravery and love. You might find this an ornate subterfuge,but i really am helpless.
I have sought forgiveness of Malya,and Prahar,and I think I shall be forgiven,but I will never be able to excuse my cowardice fully,even if I achieve what I desire most.
THANKS AGAIN
YOURS INDEBTED,
Debrup
